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Remember what it’s like to be a kid?

29 Feb
Remember what it’s like to be a kid?

Do you remember what it’s like to be a kid?

Occasionally I find myself harking back to my youth and lamenting days gone by. However, if I think about it all long enough I do actually begin to remember how tough it really was..

How it really was

It’s all too easy to allow your memories to light upon the joys of childhood. Freedom from the burden of adult responsibilities. The excitement of endless discovery. So much to learn. So much to experience. So many first times.

But we must then filter out our hindsight. When we were living those experiences, discovering life and learning new things, were we really appreciating them the same way we do now when we look back? You only have to bring to mind a classroom full of kids staring out of the window, heads propped up on hands, that wistful faraway expression in their eyes to suddenly remember what growing up was really all about.

The deathly boredom of endless hours at school. The suffocating limitations of being young. The endless years simply waiting to become an adult. The fear of the unknown. The terror of social expectations. The pain of social rejection. The torment of hormones. The pressure from peers. The pressure from parents. The pressure placed on yourself, by yourself.

Suddenly I feel rather glad to be 40 something!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 29, 2012 in Childhood, Family, Life, Parenting

 

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Top 10 tips for raising independent children

18 Feb
Top 10 tips for raising independent children

I have always encouraged independence in my children. As did my own parents when raising me.

I suspect it has as much to do with regaining my own independence as quickly as possible and minimising the rather scary possibility of having a ‘clingy kid’ stuck at the end of my apron strings for too long. However, I also firmly believe that independence breeds confidence and self-motivation which ultimately lead to success.

How I taught my own kids to be independent

Having been brought up myself to respect, admire and pursue an independent lifestyle, learning how to teach my own children to be independent came rather naturally. In fact, I probably had to work a lot harder than many parents do when it came to ensuring I didn’t push them into too much responsibility too soon.

Remembering always that I am simply a mother to two healthy, independent boys (currently 15 and 20) rather than any sort of expert, I can offer the following practical advise for parents:

  1. Always praise the positives to breed in self-confidence
  2. Encourage your children to try new things
  3. Be active in being seen to push yourself outside your own comfort zones at times
  4. Don’t be frightened to work carefully with your teens as they explore beyond their own boundaries
  5. Never jump to the conclusion that ‘it can’t be done’
  6. Always be open to discussion
  7. Foster an environment where all possibilities are researched before conclusions are drawn
  8. Let your child be responsible for their own decisions wherever possible
  9. Give your children an active role within your family group
  10. Let them have a go alone before assuming they need help

Further advice

Further advice from other bloggers and experts is also available:

 
12 Comments

Posted by on February 18, 2012 in Family, Parenting

 

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When do your kids stop needing you?

29 Jan
When do your kids stop needing you?

The simple answer to this is ‘never’, but knowing this is not terribly useful for the poor parent who wishes to understand when it is safe to start travelling around the world, leaving their family behind them.

Teenagers need you more than they will admit

However much they will protest otherwise, the average teenager needs you more than they are willing to admit.

Past a certain age, they don’t necessarily need you to sit with them, keep them company, feed them, water them, organise them or in any way try to control how they spend their days. They do however need you to be in the house, so it feels like a home. They need to know that you are there when they need you. They need to trust that they have someone to come to when they suddenly feel the need to share – even for only a minute per day. And, if you’re not there too often, they begin to feel your absence and resent it. In my opinion at least.

A parent’s freedom needs to be carefully extracted

So, as a parent of teenagers, looking for the freedom to depart for several weeks it is sensible to pad the route. Your sons and daughters should be carefully prepared for your absence.

They need a great deal of notice. The longer the trip – the more notice. They need to be included in your plans and allowed to get excited on your behalf. It is a good idea to imagine that you need to get their permission. In fact, this is not really all that far from the truth. You may be in charge – but your first responsibility as a parent is to them.

I personally believe that a parent’s freedom requires careful extraction from routine family existence. The second we assume it is our right to pick up and drop everything for a few weeks to ‘take care of our own needs’, the second our offspring will balk at the idea. Instead, by giving them the respect they deserve, and building a web of trust and sharing around the event of our departure, we can ensure that our family life remains stable and that we will come home to supportive teens rather than upset kids who feel they have been ’abandoned’.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on January 29, 2012 in Family, Life, Parenting, Travel

 

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Shared joys of parenting

25 Jan
Shared joys of parenting

Being married with kids can be hard. Even if your kids are the bee’s knees, parenting can be tough and it can wear even the best of relationships to a thread. It can sometimes feel hard enough working out the best way to handle a difficult situation yourself – without having to agree your approach with a partner who can sometimes come at life from the opposite perspective.

The up-side of shared parenting

The up-side of this situation is that, when things are going well, you can share the joy.

It is often when you’re exhausted, stressed and feeling as though you’re at the end of your tether that your children will suddenly say or do something that simply lights up your soul.  Now, I will not and cannot detract from the joy that a single parent might expect to revel in. However, there is also something special in being able to look across the room at a partner and appreciate whatever miracle had just taken place together. Shared joy is a thing in itself. It heals even the deepest relationship tensions and can break the back of even the most persistent argument.

How to trip up an argument

Picture two adult partners standing in a kitchen. They have clearly been arguing. They are tense. The air is thick with anxiety. It was one of those arguments that sprang up from nothing and spiralled into the stratosphere before either of them had any idea what they were truly arguing about: a bad nights’ sleep; an unresolved issue at work; a disagreement over how to guide a child towards at least some exam revision. Who knows where these arguments spring from? All it takes is an open cupboard door or a misplaced dishcloth (aaaaargh!).

Now image a young teenager walking unsuspectingly into the middle of this. He grins and asks, “Did I tell you that I’m getting a short story I wrote published as part of a book?”

End of argument.

Sorry? What argument?

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2012 in Family, Life, Parenting

 

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Say it as it is

18 Jan
Say it as it is

I believe parents are responsible for passing the truth to their offspring.

An honest education

A good upbringing should include an honest education. A question should be honoured with an honest answer. I do not believe in the transfer of ‘flannel’. Gooseberry bushes are for growing gooseberries. Storks are large birds that carry very little other than nesting materials, frogs, fish, insects, earthworms, small  birds and, according to Wikipedia, small mammals as it turns out… but for the purpose of eating them – rather than delivering them, nappy-clad, to prospective parents of the human kind.

Honest parenting can cause squirmingly embarrassing moments. Finding ways to deliver accurate, yet age-appropriate answers to sometimes difficult questions can require a great deal of careful consideration. However, I believe we should remain willing to put the effort into educating our own children first and foremost. They are our legacy and we provide their foundation – what a responsibility!

Squirm away – but get over it!

Whether our initial reaction is to draw in our pubic muscles and cringe in embarrassment at the idea of talking openly with our children about menstruation, puberty, sex, drugs, politics, religion, science, mathematics, or whatever else we personally may struggle with, we must simply learn to get over it.

Why not perceive these experiences as gifts? Our children will teach us the art of considered response. Our bosses will never be able to catch us off-guard again! Any fears of public speaking will fade into irrelevance.

The truth is rarely wrong

The truth is rarely wrong. And, in my experience, delivered bluntly, without frills, the truth is the most likely way to flounder an overly enthusiastic enquirer. Stop the ‘Why? Why? Why?’ continuum in its tracks.

If, like me, you have an intelligent, occasionally smart-arse child who will store up difficult questions to fire at you when you are at your most tired and vulnerable. Deliver the entire truth in one great, over-whelming hit. Wrap it in complex scientific terminology and talk fast. Aim to floor them from the gate.

Research the hard stuff

In all seriousness though…. if it’s an important topic. Look it up together! Never be afraid to admit you don’t know it all. Be prepared to research the hard stuff. But always be focused on answering the question honestly, to the best of your ability.

Facts about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and other such important figures can be found in the works of Walt Disney, Coca Cola, DreamWorks and Pixar.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 18, 2012 in Parenting

 

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Learning to leave your kids

06 Dec
Learning to leave your kids

Whether it’s to go to work, fly abroad, or just go to the shops, learning to leave your kids behind is one of the hardest lessons a parent has to face.

I must stress that I have no professional qualifications in this area and am therefore in no position to provide advice. However, as a mother who has had to learn how to say goodbye to my children for many different reasons, I can share my experience with you.

Be prepared!

I believe good preparation to be key. It is essential to first ensure that you:

  • have reliable and trustworthy childcare in place
  • remain in contact at all times
  • agree what to do in case of emergency
  • try to get into a routine as quickly as possible in the case of recurring separations
  • make sure you can return on time

Stay calm and walk away!

Then, all you need to do is stay calm and walk away.

This is the hard part. Your child may throw a tantrum, use super-focused emotional blackmail (they know you so well afterall), try to bargain their way out of the situation or, worst of all perhaps; appear not to care at all! Whatever there response, you are guaranteed to struggle emotionally. But that is the key; the bulk of the separation anxiety is rooted within you. If you can take control of yourself, your child will rapidly reflect that control.

When I was learning how to leave my children for the first time I was lucky enough to find experienced child care workers. They would not tollerate any nonsense – from ME! Whatever behaviour my child was displaying they would assure me that within minutes of my departure he would be perfectly fine, distracted by his environment. The quicker I walked away, and the less fuss I made of the situation, the more rapidly this miracle would take place. It took fewer than three phone calls following three different departures to convince me that this was indeed what happened. If I walked away calmly, my child would accept the situation calmly. I learned this lesson quickly. My children were even quicker on the uptake – of course!

Now, all these years later, this foundation enables me to travel without my family, for extended periods of several weeks, without any concerns regarding separation anxiety.

Have you any similar experiences or tips for less emotional goodbyes you can share?

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 6, 2011 in Parenting

 

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